Nightmares

Sometimes you can remember what you dreamt at night clearly. For me, it seems I remember the really whacky stuff that pop up out of my subconsciousness. I thought I put everything about English Literature behind me, but apparently not. I guess now would be a good time to put an end to it, forever.

OK, this is what I recall from my nightmare. Some stupid psychiatrist/psychologist person who somehow got hold of my lit records and transcripts of conversations with friends. (weird huh?) Asks me "Why are you aiming to just pass literature? Why are you not aiming to achieve more? You are doing so with everything else." That was when I woke up in cold sweat. But awake, I started thinking, and not sleeping (I need sleep), why is that the case? By the way, anything related to literature at this point in time, is a nightmare to me. The TV show, Joan of Arcadia, got scary at the point where they mentioned chaos > logic (similar to the motifs/themes present in the play, Arcadia).

This is why. And by expressing my thoughts, may whoever is reading this and going on to do something with similar circumstances, understand what I and others had to go through, and maybe learn from mistakes.

Aiming to just pass is a sign of a lack of motivation. What motivation did I receive when doing two years of literature? I don't think there was any. Let's see. We were given hard and obscure texts to study. Other schools got more mainstream literature texts to study. Next, we were give no real guidance. We were taught to learn independantly. I guess I had to do my homework and learn how to do all that background stuff myself, but how can you do that with little guidance? For a subject where "nothing is wrong", guidance is essential. Then we are assessed on questions that make you answer something obscure, after you decrypt it on the enigma machine, whilst juggling another totally different obscure subject, through the perspective of a third obscure thing. Basically, juggling red hot pointy sharp knives, whilst riding a uniwheel on a tightrope, whilst dodging burning arrows. O yeah... these questions are often unseen questions, or those that mean you are not allowed to prepare for. Finally, you are marked harshly. Really harshly. In year 11, Mr Horner(One of the best lit teachers) gave me a constant 65% for all my work. No matter how hard I prepared and wrote and all that other stuff. Of course, all my other subjects were nice and high in the high 80's. This is what he said, "In year 12, 65% is considered high". My thoughts, "But it's year 11! Give me year 11 marks then!". Sadly, when I reached year 12, everything i got ranged from 45% to 65% with the exception of 80% (I can't remember and I don't want to) for an oral which unfortunately is given an extremely low weighting. It eventually got to the extent that I celebrated when I got a measly 50%. Much to the weird looks received from all those who were doing well.

Let me sumarize that.
1- hard subject
2- no guidance
3- hard and difficult assessments. That's 2 lots of hard things to deal with.
4- harsh marking
5- as an aggregate, it does not make you too happy. Where's the motivation in that?

When you are constantly failing, or receiving results that are close to failing, no matter how much work you put in, what's the point of working harder? Well, obviously if you put in zero work you get next to zero. This is how I see literature study:
Zero work: 0-40%
Some work: 40-50%
A little more than some more: 40-55%
A lot more: 45-55%
A hell of a lot more: 50-65%
Insane amounts of work leaving you to get poor marks in your otherwise good subjects: 51%-65%+

I call it the law of diminishing returns. The more time you spend on studying the wonderful world of the within the text (I'm sure some lit teacher will grill me for that statement as they would probably say that is WRONG (I thought there is no wrong in lit)) the less marks you receive. Well, per unit time that is. Plus opportunity costs such as sanity, and grades in other subjects. There we go, another reason why you should not aim higher, but rather to just pass.

Lastly, about "nothing is wrong". That is a fucking lie. Sure, they say that you must provide proof, but that's not enough. You see, when a marker does not agree with you, they immediately start reacting negatively to your essay. Instant loss of marks. Write poorly or in a standard manner, and lose more marks. Try to write uniquely or creatively and you run the risk of missing out important elements. I tried that, writing a different approach. I left out all the important bits that are usually discussed in a generic essay, I failed. And the quoting? I destroy something each time I get an essay back where there's the writing of "please explain" or "quote needed" when there clearly is an explanation IMMEDIATELY AFTER the "please explain" or a quote just after the "quote needed". The damages bill is greater than the losses in the Iraq war.

And I guess, I need to get to the point again. I usually not get to the point as I'm scared I get it wrong. Yeah, that's right. Literature killed my confidence in myself. If you ask anything, my instant reaction is "I don't know" or "I don't think". Lit is supposed to awaken the opiniative side in you. It killed mine as whatever I do seems to face the wrath of some evil. So the killing of one's confidence and motivation to work is the reason why one should just aim to pass. It also means that your expectations are so freaking low, that you feel happy for a measly pass. Just don't hope for a pass all the time otherwise they may catch onto it and mark you for less than you deserve. Once I wrote like 4 pages of quality crap. I was rambling on how Iago was a bloody backstabbing son of a bitch, in a very passionate manner, and I was including bits about context, and social/political issues- the whole curiculum for fuck's sake. I was expecting a REALLY high mark in comparison to my shoddy work receiving 50%. Wow, I ended up with 55%. All that heart and soul, blood and sweat, and I get 5% more than what I usually get when I have no motivation and no confidence.

Now kiddies looking for advice. Put in some amount of time studying lit. Not the bare minimum, not massive amounts. Just a moderate amount. If you put too little, it attracts the concern of parents, who then force you to spend massive amounts of time on it, at the cost of everything else. Massive amounts of time is just wasted. TEE Literature is MUCH easier than RSHS Literature. Only problem, you are so used to juggling whilst on a tightrope whilst being fired upon. The questions ask you simply to analyse a text. That is enough to fry your brain and it's OS. After 2 years of hellish torture, your brain develops algorithms to approaching complex juggling sequences. Give it a simple question and it is considered foreign, causing you to freeze up. So much for an accurate representation of skill and knowledge. If I fail literature, those demonic tormentors have a lot to answer for.